Do you know those mornings when you wake up early even though you had a few drinks last night and you went to bed at dawn, your eyes opening painfully and almost burning?
It was exactly that kind of morning, in December. A few days before Christmas.
I opened the window and I breathed in the fresh air. And breathed out. And breathed in again a few times until my lungs were filled with cold air and my thoughts sobered up. As I was doing that I had this feeling intensely growing within myself, this feeling I knew before and it gave me, before anything, an unexpected calmness. It was freedom that was invading my body and it felt great. Not depending on anyone, being able to go everywhere you want, at any given time, to screw whoever you want without thinking about moral obligations. I have been there before many times and I knew it was time yet again for me to fly aimlessly through this vague ether which is the Universe.
I broke up with her the night before. I knew I was gonna miss her, but it got to the point where it became tainted and it hurt more to stay in the relationship than to get out of it.
I poured some freezing cold water on the back of my head as I usually do when I’m hungover and I noticed a few of her things in my bathroom closet.
So I threw her toothbrush in the trash bin. It sat there sadly next to the eggshell from the omelet I made the previous morning. And I realized I should’ve recycled it. Who knows, maybe another bright smile is gonna use it, even though I’m pretty sure they would’ve made plastic bags out of it. Fools.
I drank my coffee black, unlike most of the times when I take it with milk. The bitterness helped.
The entire day I floated in the fogginess of thoughts and memories and later in the evening I booked a train ticket to leave the city the next morning with a return on Christmas Eve. Chet Baker did a great job accompanying me in the background. I picked two books from the library randomly and packed a few warm garments. Some of my sweaters still smelled of her perfume.